“Therapist!” Kagan sobbed, swinging open the office door and falling dramatically onto the bright yellow chaise lounge. “I am depressed!”
“Kagan,” Kirsten said, her fists clenching, “It’s good to see you, but I’m actually on my lunch break-”
“Good, so you aren’t busy.”
Kirsten sighed and looked forlornly at her half-eaten sandwich. With a push of her heeled feet, she rolled backward in her office chair to a large filing cabinet. Trying very hard to not yell at Kagan for sobbing too loud, she opened the bottom-most cabinet and rifled through the files. Kagan’s wasn’t hard to find, no less than four manila folders full to bursting. She rolled back to her desk with the folders in hand, loose sheets escaping the folders, and slammed them onto her desk.
“Therapist, I’ve had the worst week! Look how much weight I’ve gained!” Kagan said, emerging from beneath his arm, red-eyed. Kirsten gave him the once-over. He looked the exact same as the last time she had seen him, a wiry short fellow in a lab coat, salt and pepper hair only held back by a thick pair of goggles. If he gained weight, she was a hippo.
“My whole life has been crumbling around me! I heard back from the International Villian Association and they said I’m too cartoony to be admitted! Cartoony!”
“IVA didn’t admit you?” Kirsten said, not shocked in the slightest.
“I know, right? I can’t believe it!”
“Let me enlighten you.” She flicked open his file and began to read aloud.
“Filled a house with bubble bath-”
“He cussed at me!” Kagan huffed.
“Stole a jumbotron-”
“I need to watch Robbing with the Stars on the big screen!”
“Attacked your nemesis with an army of octopuses-”
“Octopi!”
“Opened your neighbor’s mail-”
“That’s a felony, that is.” Kagan said pompously.
“Accidently.”
“But that isn’t good enough for IVA, no!” Kagan said, ignoring her. “Therapist, that’s the least of my worries. You won’t believe what happened to Henchman’s lizard.”
“Kagan, what did we agree about maiming?”
“It was an accident this time! Besides, the tail will grow back!” He sunk onto the chaise. “But Henchman got so angry!”
“And you apologized?”
“I’m his master! I don’t apologize!”
“Bet he loved that.” Kirsten groaned, rubbing her temples.
“He went to his mother’s for the weekend!”
Kirsten shook her head and jotted something down in her notepad.
“I couldn’t even distract myself with Robbing with the Stars! They canceled it!”
“It’s been coming since Big Bill got arrested.”
“You’re just like Henchman! You don’t understand how much I strive to live up to the standards that show puts forth!”
“So you’re comparing yourself to an idealized version of villainy?”
“Did you even listen to what I just said?” Kagan said, hugging a pillow. “Mother came to visit, and Henchman wasn’t even there to tell her I was busy! She spent the whole time doting on me, and even made me my favorite dinner, the audacity! Then she turned on a rerun of Robbing with the Stars, and we snuggled and- and I told her about Henchman, and we ate ice cream…“ He sniffed, and covered his face with the pillow. “I hate her so much!”
“I’ve figured it out, Kagan.” Kirsten said, closing the file and rolling her chair in front of the desk.
“The reason I’m depressed? I thought I already told you!”
“Yes, all those little things are building up to a big blowout. Not getting accepted to IVA, your argument with Henchman, Robbing with the Stars’ cancellation, and your love for your mother.”
“I don’t love her; I loathe her!”
“No, you don’t. You think you need to because all of your favorite villains had horrible childhoods. And all of your favorite villains were in IVA, and they treat their Henchmen horribly. You’re trying to be all of your favorite villains, but you aren’t trying to be Kagan.”
There was silence in the office, the only sound monotonous ticking of a clock. Kirsten took a bite of her sandwich.
“THAT’S IT!” Kagan jumped to his feet and yelled so loudly that Kirsten dropped her sandwich onto the plush carpet. “I’ve been ruining my life to try to be just like all the other villains. Therapist, you’re a genius! So how do I fix my life?”
“Well… Maybe switch up your look to not be so cartoony. Figure out something that’s you. And you don’t have to be so over the top all the time with crimes. It’s okay to just rob a bank every once and a while. Even Big Bill took mental health breaks. Just make sure you set goals for yourself too.”
Kiersten brushed lettuce off her lap and continued.
“Don’t limit yourself just to villain shows either. There are plenty of shows out there. And for Henchman, you might not understand why he loves his lizards so much, but you can still be supportive. You can do nice things for Henchman and still be a villain. Same goes for loving your mom.”
“I never thought of it that way.” Kagan contemplated. “Different from the rest of them. Eviler. Idiosyncratic. Ooh, Mother will be so proud! Kirsten, you’re a hero!” He sprung up, hugging her. “Ooh, a hero? You know, I don’t think any villain has had a therapist as their nemesis before!”
“There is still something to say about conforming a little.” Kirsten said quickly. “But I don’t think any villain has bought their therapist a sandwich to say thank you for changing their life.”
He cackled. “Oh, Kirsten. Why would I? You’ve got one on the floor!”
With that, he departed the office with a flourish of his lab coat, slamming it shut with such force it knocked Kirsten’s name plate off her desk.
“To think I went from robbing banks to letting villains rob my sanity.” She groaned, picking up the nameplate and flicking off a piece of ham, tracing the letters with a melancholy sigh.
KIRSTEN LONGHORN
VILLAIN THERAPIST
IVA HALL OF FAME