Some nights, I stare at the ceiling, grieving the life I could’ve had if I hadn’t isolated myself. My heart aches at the sound of laughter, at any shared happiness at this point. I can’t even understand myself or why I’m so envious. I crave friendship but run away before connection from fear of rejection.

I’ve only been close to one person before, Danyka. We never said that much to each other, sitting alone in silence at the park. She still understood me, though, and she knew everything about me; we were inseparable. Years have passed since I last saw her, but I think we would still feel the same way. I’ve never made a friend after that. Once I find her, everything will return to how it was before, and we won’t need anyone else.

Even after all these years, I still sit on the same moss-covered rock we used to skip stones on. I throw another rock into the lake, making tiny ripples that transform my reflection like looking through a warped mirror. She always threw them further than me.

It’s a captivating night. The lake glistens beneath the moonlight, rushing water piercing through the rocks, singing its hushed melody like a calming lullaby. Lanterns and streetlights cast a gentle glow on the park. People quietly chat while they set up their lawn chairs, striving to get the best view of the fireworks, their excitement evident in their voices. A projector displays a countdown to the new year.

Despite that, I can only concentrate on the sharp night air against my face and my eyes watering from the pollen. The sky is devoid of brightness; speckles of light paint the dark canvas, but it pales in comparison to the full moon.

Like me, a girl skips rocks with her friend on the other side of the lake. She has a carefree nature and welcoming eyes. I gaze at her, nostalgic memories flooding my head until I notice she wears the same jade pendant around her neck that Danyka got for her birthday a few years back. My heart stops when I realize it’s her.

“Danyka!” I shout with a broad grin as I sprint across the wooden bridge towards her.

“Yea.. who are you?” She questions, tilting her head and furrowing her eyebrows. She crosses her arms across her chest.

“It’s me, Chanlina. I look different now; it’s been a few years, but you remember me, right..? We were best friends in elementary. I missed you so much! I’m so relieved I can finally see you again.” I blabber so quickly it comes out incoherently.

She pauses for a moment. An excruciatingly uncomfortable few seconds pass, and she exchanges a desperate glance at her friend hovering behind her.

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember that..” She murmurs, staring daggers into the ground as she picks at her long, polished nails. They had always been short since she played violin when I knew her. A firework booms deafeningly loud in the distance as she speaks, slightly muffling her voice.

My heart thuds in my chest, each thump like a hammer nailing into my skull. A sickening warmth washes over me as if I stuck my head in an oven. I choke out an embarrassed laugh to break the silence. It sounds shrill, like shattered glass.

“That’s okay, I was happy I could see you again..” I whisper, letting out a small sigh.

“It was nice meeting you,” she tells me, reaching for a handshake.

“I like your nails. They look good on you.” I smile at her, tightly squeezing as I shake.

“Thanks.” She smiles back at me, genuinely, the familiar comfort I once felt with her brewing in my heart again.

She looks me in the eyes one last time before leaving, her long black hair, the same color we’ve always shared, blowing freely in the harsh wind. The happy memories we once shared still linger in her eyes, but I know now I was looking into mine through them.

“Goodbye.”

“Bye.”

I try to say something before she leaves forever. Still, the words come up like vomit, leaving me unable to articulate them. I open my mouth, but the familiar painful lump forms in my throat, tears falling down my face.

She hurriedly walks away with her friend, holding her hand till their pace reaches nearly a sprint. Their footsteps are heavy against the pavement. They giggle to each other as they vanish into the crowd, silhouettes illuminated by the hanging colorful lanterns soon fading to blurry smudges.

The girl that I once adored so deeply only exists in memories viewed through rose-tinted glasses. I knew deep down that holding onto the past till my knuckles turned white would damage me one day when I finally lost the power to hold on. I’d spiral into the abyss with nothing to distract me from the loneliness I’ve inflicted on myself, unable to claw my way out.

I thought everything would be okay once I saw her again, but this wasn’t the ending I expected. We’re older now and aren’t open books like we used to be. It was naive to think that after all these years, we’d laugh exactly like we used to. I don’t feel tethered to the past anymore, knowing that there’s nothing worth searching for in there that will provide me strength for the future.

I lie down on the cool dew drop-coated hill, watching the vibrant bursts of light soar into the sky before evaporating into the atmosphere. The world is pitch black and speechless momentarily before another firework blasts into the sky again, forming a beautiful array of colors. The blades of grass dance in the wind, and the fireworks blow hope into the new year. Time stills in this moment. She’s not here with me; she never will be, but seeing her one last time gave me the strength to let go of the thorny stem of the rose I once held so tightly.