They appear to be so far away; the group laughing near the picnic tables. Completely and utterly out of my reach. I wish to go to them, to join in their fun. I long to sit with them.

I try.

But I /can’t./

The ground tunnels in front of me. The edges of my vision go black. My feet are akin to cement blocks, rooted in place. I cannot move forward. I grit my teeth and clench my fists. I attempt to shake away the darkness clouding my vision and urge my feet to ‘move, damn it, move!’

The distance to the group of students widens though neither of us have moved. ‘I just want to talk to them,’ I plead desperately to my treacherous brain that’s ringing DANGER! DANGER! repeatedly in my ears. ‘They’re not dangerous!’ I try to reason with Fear, ‘They’re just people.’

I can hear the argument happening between Logic and Fear. Although Logic is right and ‘people aren’t scary, it’s ok,’ Fear uses their dominion to force Logic back and take control over the rest of the body.

/Stop please./

I nearly scream in frustration when my feet /finally/ move, but not in the direction I will them. I’m dragged to my usual spot under a tree on top of the hill and stare down at my lost opportunity. Bitter tears prickle my eyes. I just want–I just want to be able to smile and laugh with people. To have my own group. To have the comfort and familiarity that everyone says is possible.

Why can’t I do it? Everyone else seems to do it so effortlessly.

Look! The group over there seems like they’re having a wonderful time. I just want to have that as well.

Unconsciously, I bring my clenched fist to my mouth and /bite!/

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I wrap my arms around my knees and bring them to my chest in a feeble attempt to stop my trembling. God, I feel dumb. It shouldn’t be so hard to go over to another human and say “Hi! I really like your shoes!” or some other garbage like that. But no! Why? Because my brain is defective and decides that EVERYONE ELSE=DANGER.

Saltwater drops wretchedly to the grass.

Soft and tender hands slowly pry my fist out from between my teeth. I look up; everything is blurry. But /they’re/ here. Like always. They always show up exactly when I need them the most. Robin smiles softly from where they’re kneeling in front of me. “Hey,” they whisper, placing my hand gently on the ground beside me. It’s red, and it appears as if a dog mauled it. I stretch my shirt sleeve to hide it, shame rising in my chest. My throat closes up and no sound comes out when I open my lips. Ugh, why am I so pathetic?

But Robin doesn’t mention anything, they sit beside me and offer me half of their sandwich. I nibble on the bread as my heartbeat slows in their familiar presence.

“Better?” Robin asks after some time. I nod, giving them a shaky smile. “Yeah, thanks,” I croak. They smile beatifically at me and warmth sparks in my chest. I lean into them as Fear finally decides to recede.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Robin questions hesitantly.

I blank. What was there to say? That I freaked out ‘cause my body wasn’t following my orders? That the table in the sun is more appealing than the cold of the shade but I’m incapable of going because I’m a coward?’ I pointedly look away and don’t answer them. Robin follows my gaze to where a boy is chasing his friend with a water bottle; they’re both laughing.

My chest /burns./

I release an unsteady breath.

Robin makes a noise of understanding, their voice is very gentle when they speak, “Do you want me to go with you?”

Something pangs in my chest and water fills my vision again. Heat courses through my veins and freezes my bones. Warning signals flash in my mind. How I wish I could, but my opportunity was lost. I can’t stand up and stroll over after fear has won. Robin is an angel for offering, and their presence could’ve helped minutely. But I can’t now.

I try for a calm smile, it’s hardly convincing. I shake my head, “No, it’s alright,” I say, “I’m perfectly fine here with you.”

They don’t seem convinced but Robin doesn’t press further. I’m thankful. They’re truly the best. Robin rubs circles into my back as I continue to watch the group below.

Is it really so hard to form a connection? Would I really be able to find safety in other people? The group of friends down there look like such accepting people, would I honestly be allowed to join them?

Neither Robin nor I speak for the remainder of lunch break, opting to simply relax in each other’s presence. When it’s time to head back they extend their arm to help me up, I take it.

I beam at them. Robin grins back and pulls me into their arms. I sigh against their chest. It’s safe here. I squeeze them tight. Maybe this isn’t too bad; this way I get Robin all to myself.

/Stop lying to yourself./

“You’re the greatest,” I murmur.

They hum and tilt my head so I’m looking at them. Robin very slowly loosens their hold. “You should try, you know. To go out and meet people. It’ll help, I promise.”

My blood runs cold and I hold them tighter. I knew they’d say it. “And why would I do that when I have you?”

Robin smiles at me and places a soft kiss on the top of my hair. “You know I’m not real, right?” They’re so quiet.

I squeeze them until my arms go numb and my feet ache from standing so long, “I know.” I whisper, the truth unravels and I stand alone under the tree.