I tossed and turned in the tightly wrapped cocoon of my thick blankets and was sweating profusely despite having my air conditioner turned on at 20 degrees. I had awoken from a nightmare; My unavoidable nightmare, as deformed and distorted as a fictional illusion and almost impossible to escape. Those… “thoughts” have been bothering me since last month and they just never seemed to go away, increasing in agony.
This is pathetic and stupid. Normally you would’ve encountered something like pooping your pants in public or your toes falling out, but mine are much different.
Momentum failed to function and I was cascading even deeper into oblivion. Was this the dark pit ready to devour me whole? My uncertainty crashed around and lingered, in that awful and awkward dream.
***
The clock’s alarm sound was beeping and I was confronted by the harsh morning light as my eyes were open, despite yesterday night’s chaos. Still clutching onto my mind, the tendrils of unconsciousness protested against the sudden motion. I jerked my head forwards and I pushed myself up. I grabbed the clock that sat depressingly on my desk and my hand found the button with a clumsy movement. My palm crushed the relentless cacophony to nothing. A dragging feeling was brought on by the usual quiet clicks as I raised my head to glare at the clock, almost as if it was my sworn enemy.
That stupid square clock read 07:45.
I rubbed my eyelids groggily and rubbed off the excess of eye mucus. I changed into my uniform set that was casually thrown onto my desk chair and traipsed to the bathroom. I flicked open the cold tap and water came rushing out in desperation to be released.
I reached out, again, grabbing my toothbrush haphazardly. A goopy drop of disgusting toothpaste was added and the sickly-smelling minty blast – pressed onto the toothbrush bristles – also seemed to bounce back at me, glistening with that translucent and icy pride.
This morning was definitely one of the most boring, longest and frustrating mornings I’ve had. Breakfast was on the kitchen table. I downed the glass of milk and picked annoyingly at the vegetables on the plate. Loathing myself, I had presented today’s horrid mentality.
“You ready to go? It’s 8:02.” Mom called from the sliding window in the living room.
“Let’s go,” I responded nonchalantly.
***
The first part of the ride took ten minutes.
“We’re here.” Mom tapped me on the arm.
I jumped in sudden shock and my head bumped the car roof.
“Kay.” my response did not contain any enthusiasm.
It rained heavily last night and the artificial grass that spanned across the campus became an ocean. I tried to avoid places that contained more liquid but it seemed to never reduce and the litres of rainwater just seemed to stay there.
Each ascending step felt like a rejection of gravity, my feet trailing with lazy reluctance. My body opposed my movement and rocked to and fro dangerously. The stairs expanded, an almost infinite extent of incline that needed energy I wasn’t prepared for. With each step, my legs contorted, my feet weak and strained to only produce a slow, aimless march.
I closed my eyes for a split second to rest and disappoint myself in my leg soreness from climbing the stairs.
And I go up until I reach the third floor, my right knee aching. My first destination for the morning was reached.
I twisted the door handle of the maths room and took a big step in.
“Excuse me,” I had my head hung low and drooped inside.
I walked over to the table at the left corner and slid my bag down, finally releasing the massive pile of burden.
My neck twisted voluntarily and my head dropped down.
My everlasting sleep has come to get me again.
My pupils were adjusting to the darkness and something whirred up in my head.
***
“Year 9, we will go through the tests together and I will write down any questions you are unsure with on the board.”
I was ready to mark my incorrect answers that were completed with stupidness. Pen in hand, whiteout in another, I still did not function properly. All that was left to work was my cognitive system. An invisible barrier blocked all the mechanisms that ticked inside my useless brain. I stared into the table like there was something more sinister behind that thin but unbreakable layer of plastic.
The crimson red pen ink on my paper stained into the next page.
D-
Mom would’ve expected much more than this.
I lied to her about studying and how I was doing “amazing” in class.
I lied too much to her. It was all fake. Everything I said to mom was false.
I thought about what mom had said a few weeks ago.
“What can you even accomplish?”
“Get your brain straight and do some actual work!”
“Look at ____! She’s been flying through her tests. What about you?”
“This is Year 6 stuff, and you can’t even get half the questions right?”
The deafening echo of the bell echoed around the corridor and I skipped down the stairs in an unorthodox manner. One by one, the customers of the snack shop had departed and I was up next for the next purchase.
I zipped open my wallet in hope to have some spare change so I wouldn’t have to be receiving change. Giving the exact amount reduces the work that both sides have to do.
The green paper cash of 20b did not appear, unfortunately. Neither was the red cash in sight. I opened another zipper in the interior of my wallet to see if there were any coins left-
I have come to the conclusion that I have hit rock-bottom.
Looking at my friend’s watch, it was 11:14 and I had to calculate how many minutes till the end of recess.
Don’t panic.
Breathe.
Stay still.
Ugh!
Maths again?