The sub baked my skin, and I felt its gentle heat on my bare shoulders. I reached up to the sky, stretching, and looking at my fingers in comparison to the pale blue sky. My brother swam in the shallow waters near the edge of the beach, and a smile tugged on my face as I watched him dive into the crystal clear water. He emerged after a few seconds, his hair slicked down with salt water and a grin of delight plastered onto his face.
My mama stood at the shoreline, helping my little sister organize her collection of shells from biggest to smallest. I watched silently from my perch on a large cliff that jutted out over the water. It was used as an area to jump from into the water, like an over-dramatized diving board. The rock of the cliff was warm, but to me it felt like icicles were digging into my skin.
I looked down, watching the water spray onto the base of the cliff. It wasn’t the height that scared me, but I still took a terrified step backwards. I remembered the most recent time that I had jumped off of that area: almost a year ago, with my father. But now he was gone. It was just me who was going to jump that time.
I felt my mama’s watchful eyes on me, and could practically sense her grief that she tried her best to hide. Grief for the loss of my father. My heart was pounding in my chest, and adrenaline coursed me as I remembered every time my father and I had jumped from that cliff together. The thought of jumping without him terrified me. As I stood above the water, staring down at the ocean beneath me, I felt nausea creeping up on me.
My stomach lurched as my head started to spin, and memories of my father flashed through my mind: Watching him leave the house in his blue sedan in the midst of a downpour, waving as he pulled out of the driveway. Hearing the sobs of my mama as she got the phone call telling her what had happened. Driving with her to pick up what was left of the car that my father had been in when he had crashed. Looking out at a sea of black clothes as they buried him-
I shook my head, snapping myself out of the spiraling memories that threatened to spill out of me in the form of tears. My toes curled around the edge of the cliff, and I swallowed hard. Terror pulsed through me, anchoring me in place. I swayed slightly, trying to calm myself with slow steady breaths. Then, before I knew what I was doing, I jumped.
The wind rushed in my ears as I fell, and it felt like everything was happening in slow motion. For a second I was free-falling, terror palpable in my expression. The familiarity of what I was doing washed over me, and I was so scared that for a second I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t. The wind was in my face and my body was falling towards the water so quickly that I didn’t get a chance to cry out in the fear that was echoing inside of me.
Then I hit the water with a loud splash. The impact of my fall on the surface knocked all the remaining air out of me. Everything went silent as I slowly sunk into the water. I didn’t move. Instead of swimming to the surface in a flurry of kicks I let myself gently drift deeper and deeper.
All the sounds I had heard earlier disappeared, and I slowly opened my eyes underwater. Saltwater pinched at my eyes and caused a sharp stinging sensation that made me want to resurface. But I didn’t. Because when I opened my eyes, I was met with a beautiful sight.
Coral in ridiculously bright yet beautiful colors lined the sand in large clumps. Large jagged rocks reached towards the surface, creating the cliff that I had stood on just seconds prior. Underneath the surface they weren’t a dull and lifeless brown. Instead, the rocks seemed to be glowing with life, as brightly colored anemones hung to the surface of it and fish swarmed in and out of the large crevices of the rock. Sunlight streaked through the surface of the water, illuminating the barrier reefs and algae. A large fish that was a tone of beige flitted over the sand, effortlessly blending in. A school of fish swam by me, almost too fast for me to notice. Through squinted eyes I watch the seaweed sway in the current of the water in a hypnotizingly calm way,
I breathed out a flurry of bubbles that floated to the surface, taking in the beautiful sight around me that made my heart flutter. I suddenly was reminded of the way my father and I would scuba dive in those same waters, keeping our eyes out for stingrays. But instead of feeling upset and queasy like I always did when I had memories of my father, I instead felt… safe. As if I was close to him at that moment, underwater and watching the sea life. I felt as though he was right next to me, pointing out all the different sea creatures and types of coral.
“Mushroom coral, elk-horn coral, sun coral…” He would say, and I would laugh, adding on to the list.
“Ivory bush coral, carnation coral, tube coral…” We would go on for hours, talking about the ocean and all its mysteries. A sensation of calm spread through my body, and my head started spinning with happiness. Or maybe it was because of the lack of air. As I swam to the surface, I found myself not afraid for once.
I climbed onto the rocks yet again, making my way to the top of the cliff. And before I could second guess myself, I jumped yet again.